Pepe Silvia, But It's a Persona 5 Fanfic
by NiagaraLucas
Summary: Just a crack fic I was inspired by after a tumblr post. Spoilers obviously and enjoy!


"They're onto me, Akechi." Politician Masayoshi Shido bursts into his office with his son, the young Detetive Prince Goro Akechi hot on his heels.

"Those guys are sharp as nails up there." The older man quickly lit a cigarette and inhaled it after slamming his office doors shut. "You can't put anything past them." It had already been at least three hours since the now famous vigilante group the Phantom Thieves revealed that their leader was alive and well, also explaining that they already had a new target in their sights through all the screens in Tokyo and possibly the rest of Japan.

Those meddling bastards didn't even had the audacity to reveal who the unlucky sap was since it was apparently a _surprise_. But Shido knew better. After all, the future Minister was the one pulling the real strings of the mental shutdowns and already had murders under his belt.

He knew it was a simple matter of time. But if the Thieves had wanted that big of an audience for this latest calling card, a prominent figure of the general public was their deer in headlights. Whoever their technological expert was is a feared demon in their own right. Not to mention he confirmed that they have an entire team with the same freaky magic powers Akechi has which himself has still yet to completely understand which also made the whole situation a thousand times worse.

And obviously with all these new updates, he was stricken with utter denial…And of course denial lead to stress. "I'm freaking out. I'm so stressed out." He took another drag on his cancer stick. "I feel like I am having a panic attack." And it was since the bald man was starting to pace, breathing raggedly.

"… _Grrr_." Meanwhile, his young accomplice could give two rat's asses about his boss's mental state considering his own youthful, brilliant mindscape was on thin fucking ice as well. But how Goro himself was handling this new hiccup didn't matter to him despite the hell he had been put through these past months (and forced to dish out at well.)

For you see, he was working on a little something behind the scenes like the genius investigator he is. And he's about to prove said something that could shake up the foundation of this battle for power.

But first he had to remind his father that he was watching his breakdown and pacing from the corner. Raising his voice as high as he can,

"You want to talk about stress? YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT STRESS?! Okay, that's fine! I've stumbled onto a major conspiracy, Shido. How's that for stress considering this will blow everything out of the water?!"

Shido stopped his pacing and turned to the brown-haired boy now perplexed. "What the hell are you talking about?" He had planned on giving his son a serious tongue lashing about the piss-poor job of letting the leader of the Thieves of Hearts escape since the young hitman was the one who had supposedly blown his brains out all over the room the police were keeping him in, in order to stop this exact thing from happening.

But he'll apparently now have to save it for later since Akechi seemed completely serious about what he needs to explain. " _It had better be a way to save my ass_." The middle-aged stressed male thought.

"We've been on a wild goose chase with these Phantom Thieves, Shido. And I've got a paper trail to prove it." The high schooler told him as he headed further down the room to a pitch black curtain that was merely used for decoration.

Wild goose chase? Shido was about to question why Goro would suddenly have that thought ever cross his mind since he had worked along side them in his tryst when he was about to get it answered at the moment.

"Check this out." Akechi grabbed the fabric with both of his gloved hands and teared it from the wall with so much force it ripped out the hangers the curtain was using as well, revealing the "paper trail" he was so proud of.

A mish mash of random papers with bright, bold red and black lines all connecting them to one another with random names written in black on almost all of them. But the most notable one had to be right smack in the middle since it was darker and bigger than the others and an almost uncountable amount of red cricles around it was 'Sojiro Sakura.'

"TAKE A LOOK AT THIS!"

"…Jesus Christ, Akechi." The Minister nominee's first coherent thought was how in the hell the teenager found the time to make what he was beholding considering he was the only one who had the keys to the office and he was the only one using the room 24/7. The place was his sanctuary and home away from home.

His second thought was the possibilty of the young detective using high-end drugs in secrecy. But then again, anyone would think that.

"And that right there, dear father, is the mail." Now with an uncharacteristicly crazed look in his chocolate eyes, Akechi pointed to the stack of evidence mail in the corner of the room that he had been constantly stealing from the Investigation Department in order to help when was still discovering who the identities of the Thieves were. But that effort didn't pay off until now.

"Now, let's talk about the mail, Can we please talk about the mail, Shido? I've been dying to talk about the mail with you all day, okay?" Said man simply nodded, fighting the urge to call the local mental institution.

"Sojiro Sakura…" The clearly unhinged teen continued to ramble on. "That name keeps coming up over and over again. Every day Sojiro's mail keeps getting sent back to me." That was because he had convinced a freelance hacker fan to make the delivery system send only the most important mail that was being sent to prime suspects to him instead. But at the moment, he seemed to have completely forgotten about it despite the fact he now had to risk playing post office.

"Sojiro Sakura, Sojiro Sakura…" Akechi was now digging through one of the boxes and throwing the envelopes this way and that to somehow get his point across.

"I decide to look in the mail again, AND THIS WHOLE BOX IS SOJIRO SAKURA!" He then in a burst of unexpected surprise, roundhouse kicked said box to the glass windows behind Shido's desk, sending the envelopes flying everywhere.

"I realized then that I have to go to his cafe. I got to put all this mail in the guy's goddamn hands otherwise he's never gonna get it. He's gonna wonder what's going on, and of course that's not good for our cause since most of the mail that's been getting sent to the Justice Department can be traced back to me. So I go up to Cafe Leblanc, I know where it is since I've been frequenting there recently and that's how I know him. But what do I find out when I get there this time, Shido? WHAT DO I FIND OUT?!"

For once in his life, Masayoshi Shido was truly speechless.

Taking a breath, his hired killer continued to spout his nonsense. "There is no Sojiro Sakura. The man does not exist, okay? Which apparently means that I'm the one who's been serving my own orders at that damn cafe when he should've been. And that means Amamiya who lives there is the only one working and probably has rich parents who pay for the place. So I then decide, ' _Oooohhhh, shit, buddy, I gotta dig a little deeper._ ' There's no Sojiro Sakura? You got to be kidding me, I GOT BOXES FULL OF SOJIRO!"

This time he grabbed this new box and threw it straight at the glass windows, the envelopes creating a mess in the workspace yet again.

Shido could only stare in massive bewilderment.

To no one's surprise, the now out of control second coming of the Detective Prince was allowed to keep going. "All right then, so my next step was marching my way down to see Sae Niijima since she too is supposed to know about our little friend Mr. Sakura as well since he's supposedly part of a case she's been working on separately."

He then started rapidly banging on the wall where his papers were taped. "And when I get to her office at the Public Prosecutors HQ I knock on her door and say, 'NIIIJIIIMAAAAA! NIIIJIIIMAAAA! I gotta talk to ya about Sojiro!"

Akechi then suddenly halted his pounding on the wall. "Turns out the door was unlocked. So when I opened it, what do I find? There's not a single goddamn desk in that entire office. Which means there is no Sae Niijima and I've been ' _working_ ' on this case with an effing ghost."

He then grabbed his own cup of coffee and downed the entire thing like it was drinkable maple syrup. "Aahhh…Listen Shido, what I'm saying is that half of these people who have been apart of this whole dumpster fire of yours have been completely made up."

Akechi then let out a little manic giggle. "Which means that the Phantom Thieves couldn't possibly exist. So that 'casino' That supposedly belonged to Niijima I was in and where we captured the Thief leader was nothing but stage effects and costumes like in a movie!"

That was the last straw. Shido clearly had enough of whatever this was. "Okay, Akechi, I'm gonna have to stop you right there. Not only do all of these people exist, which you should know better than anyone since you've been fucking interacting with them on a daily basis and I'm completely certain there are witnesses who can attest to it later."

The younger male turned to face him with wide eyes like he had uncovered the Da Vinci code. "But the Phantom Thieves have been sending everyone calling cards! I don't understand how you could think it's all a goddamn dream out of the blue like that! And It's all they're talking about up there!" He was reffering to the SIU and the rest of Tokyo's law enforcement whom the citizens of the "phansite" have been posting numerous requests about for their gods, the Thieves to have their hearts stolen from.

The aging man continued. "Jesus Christ, Akechi. Thanks to your buffoonery, we're going to get caught!" Shido was already thinking about how his plans for his dictatorship of Japan were flushing down the toilet and spending the rest of his life in jail.

Goro suddenly pointed his finger in the bald man's face. "Well, you might as well calm down now, cause there's one thing I'm sure about that won't happen."

"And what would that be exactly?"

Then with a nonchalant expression, "We're not going to be sent a calling card."

"We're not?" Shido asked, surprised.

"Cause we've already been sent a calling card." His co-conspirator deadpanned.

"WE'VE ALREADY GOT ONE!? WHEN THE HELL DID THAT HAPPEN?!" The political man screamed. Then that means that whole show with the Thieves revealing themsleves via the broadcasting systems was nothing but a tease!

"About three days ago. Two cards came in the mail, one for you and one for me and don't worry, I confirmed they were in fact the real deal. I was wondering how pissed they were at me for selling their asses out and I guess I got my answer." Goro explained, leaning on a nearby chair.

"But what did you do with them?" Shido asked, curious about what they wrote.

"Well looking at the things made me want to shoot myself in the head, so what did I do with them, you ask?" He then smirked in a way that would make all Shadows cower immediately. "I MAILED THEM HALFWAY TO SIBERIA. OKAY?!"

Shido was completely shocked. It was like he was conversing with a different person. So he then tired his best to say in the calmest way he could muster, "Akechi, if they already sent the cards like you just said then it means they are really onto us. That means they'll use whatever magic tricks they have to make us confess everything that we have done with our own mouths. Which ultimately means all of this would have been for naught and we will be stuck in deep shit. Do you undertsand that?"

"Of course, old man. If I didn't, I wouldn't be called the 'Second Coming of the Detective Prince.'"

Shido could suddenly feel his heart about to burst out of his chest. "God damn you, Akechi. I'm having a panic attack, do you realize that? I'm actually having a panic attack and it's all thanks to you."

"Oh, will you settle down and have another cup of coffee?" The brown-eyed boy merely suggested.

"I am." The older gent replied, already drinking through his latest cup.

Now taking full notice at his father's dishevelled state, Goro had an idea. "All right, well, fine. You know what Igor?" He turned to comically long-nosed man beside him, "Give this guy a cigarette, otherwise he won't stop freaking out."

What?

What did he just say?

"What? Who?" As far as Shido could see since his glasses were just for show, they were the only people in his office.

"Igor. He's the guy who tipped me off about Sojiro Sakura." Akechi thumbed to open air.

"IGOR?! WHO THE HELL IS IGOR?!"

"YOU DON'T SEE IGO-?! Oh, shit. Where the hell did he…?"

That's when it hit Masayoshi Shido like a lawsuit. He wasn't the only one stressed out of his gourd. All he had forced Goro Akechi to do and go through had finally taken it's toll on his brilliant brain. The mere thought of his failed mission and that he was wrong about the Phantom Thieves along with his own calling card zapped what little sanity he had left.

"You've lost your mind! You've officially lost your goddamn mind, Akechi!"

But the latter didn't answer as he was looking around the room for this Igor person like a child would their lost puppy.

Shido groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose while he threw down his cigarette in the ashtray on his desk. Frankly, he didn't give two rat's asses about the mental state of his own son since his own state of mind was on thin fucking ice as well. He headed for the exit door.

"Im going to speak to my team, Goro. When you have gathered what little grey matter you have left and cleaned the pigsty you created here I will allow you to join us in order to plan our next course of action."

He slammed the door, leaving behind the pancake-loving boy in the most confused state he has ever been in his whole life


End file.
